dance

So far today i haven't eaten which is good considering its 7 pm. i'm really tired which is ok becausse i had dance earlier and i have dance later. i really want a sandwich... maybe after my last class. that way i wont look so fat in my leotard. i'm one of the thinner girls in my point strength class, which i prettygood, then i look at the other girls just having fun.

the hypocrite.

when i asked my friend who knows i'm anorexic if there was anything she wanted to tell me she said "

That what your doing to yourself is stupid and pointless people love you for you...all of you including your weight and you can always lose weight in better weighs healthier. You are beautiful and I won't stop you but I all never tell you what your doing to yourself is a good thing" and the thing is, i completely agree with her. and i know that it is horrible for me to have starved myself for two days of my own will, but i want to try and do three. and sometimes i look in the mirror and say to myself that i look pretty thin, but i could be thinner. and when one of my friends told me she was bulemic i told her to stop because she is doing horible things to herself, but i kept starving. i want help. i mean i truly want to get better. but i really don't. i want to be thinner. i want to starve. i have no idea what i actually want, so i keep starving. i am going to keep starving.

today. was good.

yep. thats right. today was actualy good. becuase i didnt eat anything. someone might say "thats horrible" and try to stuff food down my throat. other might be amazed, then try and stuff food down my throat. i feel great. completely great. this is why i don't like to eat! i feel great afterwards. when i dont eat i feel skinny and beautiful. i wish i never had to eat. but then i would die. oh well. it would be worth it.

today.

today i was going to try not to eat. i still am but that might be hard because my dad told me about dinner plans and stuff. so i'm going to limit mysef to less than 1000 calories today. i'm so hungry. i had a pretty good talk with my friend today. its amazing how many people have or used to have an eating disorder. and the varying reasons.

thanksgiving.

well today was thanksgiving. and i ate, like a nomal person. now i feel sick. this is why i hate eating. it always makes me sick. i wish i could get back to my old habits. those were the good days. i could go two days without eating a thing. now it feels like i cant even go two hours. at least i was in a good mode for most of the day. now that i actually have time to stop and think about how much i've eaten i feel like crap. i wish i could do better.

a poem.

i have a very large headache. from yelling. at my father. but i think i want to write a poem.

when is a home no longer a home?
where can i find somewhere new to roam?

how can i get out of this place?
how can i gain a little grace?

my life is in shambles.
i can't stay here.
i need to go someplace far,
not near.

its kinda a sucky little poem but i like it.

un-named. part deux.

i am a failure. today i have had: 2-3 ice cream sandwiches, a hotdog, in a bun, with mustard and ketchup, a glass of  milk, two granola bars, and a pudding cup. i'm such a fattie i was eating my pudding cup with a granola bar, i aso had some mixed nuts. would someone like to punch me in the face? please?? or at least talk to me. i feel like crap. but i'm trying to act all happy and stuff. ugh i feel full. i hate feeling full. its times like these i wish i could throw up. sadly i cant. or can i?

un-named.

today i need some strength. tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i'm going to be expected to stuff my face with food. but if you have read anything on thi blog you would know, i dont like to do that. so today i'm not going to eat. at all. then i probably wont eat on friday. so far i'm doing ok, but i feel like i'm going to break. god i hope i dont. that would be horrible. horribly horrible. my hunger is going in and out. but thats why i have gum.

movies.

tonight i went to the movies with my mother, because she and my dad made me. i had an ice cream sandwich before the movie, then a slushie at the movie. my mom got a popcorn and i said i wasnt going to have any and she told the man at the consessions counter that she didn't believe me and that she would like a medium. i proved her wrong. popcorn disgusts me. its slimy and covered in butter and fat, and sometimes the butter is soaked into the popcorn so much that the popcorn gets squishy. by that point its disgusting. but the real reason i didnt eat any popcorn is because i knew, that once i had a little, i would not stop stuffing it down my throat. i have no self control.

mini hot dogs. the rant.

i'm currently watching unwrapped on food network. i have no idea why. it's just making me feel sick. they showed someone eating a mini hotdog or something and i felt like puking. it looked disgusting. it probably tastes disgusting. all slimy and greasy. you don't even know what those are made of. and they just look like little fingers. and if you eat enough thats what your fingers are going to look like. ick. i need some gum, because now i have the taste of hot dogs in my mouth. bleh.

eating.

i'm kind of upset right now. well more like conflicted. i want to eat, and i want to get better and be normal. but then i feel disgusting when i do eat. i hate myself when i do. and i feel fat.  when schoo is going on i don't eat breakfast or lunch. i just say i didn't have enough time this morning i forgot my lunch, i'm not hungry, et cetera. i don't care if people think(or know) i'm anorexic. it's not like they are going to do anything. nobody cares that much. sometimes i wish someone would do something, but other times i hope no one does anythings. but that doesnt matter. i feel really fat right now, i guess its because i am haha. but i really want some food. i don't know what has happened to me. i used to snap a silly band against my wrist when i got hungry but i stopped doing that. i til wear them. and i try to do it. but i forget. i wish it wasnt break, because when i'm always home all i do is eat and eat and blog and eat. it's horible. at least i dont make myself throw up. and i never will. hopefully.

11:11

here in my town it is 11:11 so i am going to post a list of my wishes. some what lame i know but it has  be done.
i wish i was happy.
i wish i could go out with my friends boyfriend.
i wish my family was like other familys.

i wish i was en pointe.

i wish i was more flexible.

i wish i was thinner.

i wish i had more friends.

i wish i felt good about myself.

dinner time

lately every dinner has ended with my mom and eldest sister fighting. i wish my oldest sister would leave. instead my mom is saying she is going to move out. that would be horrible. she is the only person above 20 at my house that i can stand. i will probably run away if she moves. i wish i coud run away. my life might actually be good then. but where would i go? i need to stay in school so that i can go to college. and i have to look nice everyday so that people don't get suspicious and one of my parents get arrested. i would feel bad then. ugh i regret eating. i feel way to full. but i'm trying to eat over break because i'm home so much.

The first of many.

This is my first post. nothing special. i still have no idea what this blog will really be about. but this post will be about me. i'm only 14, my birthday will be in april. i about 5 feet 3 inches tall. i have naturally red hair but recently i dyed it almost black. im about average in looks. im pretty enough. but not beautiful. i guess im okay with that. people call me thin, but i don't beleive them. i think i'm quite fat. i try not to eat, and i get upset when i do. i guess most people would call me anoexic. but i'm ok with that. i am a dancer. i'm on my high school's jv dance team, which is really good. and i love it. i try to dance as much as possible. dance is my escape. my escape from home. when i'm dancing i forget about my crazy home life. not only do my parents have seperate beds, they have seperate rooms. and my oldest sister doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. my sister is obese and is a large when it comes to clothing. yet she tries to wear mediums and small. clothes that are too small for me. and she cut her hair in a way that managed to make her look fatter, and like a boy. then there is my middle sister. she is very petite and beautiful. she is on varsity dance team and has a boyfriend. she is like the perfect child. then there is me. i'm both of my older sisters mashed together. im not thin but im not fat. im not pretty but im not ugly. im not tall but im not short. its just upsetting. so this is my life in a nutshell.