Tried drinking salt water. Ew. Never trying that again. Well maybe. Im still fat haha

Look past the pill bottle, look past the knife, and find my nail polish.

even when im happy im still sad

quotes.

just some quotes on some....things.

My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.

Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.

Stop the world I wanna get off.

I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts.

You bleed just to know your alive.

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.

Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten time more.

I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.

help?

things have been pretty crazy lately. i've been talking to my friend alot lately. she says she is going to get me help. i guess thats good. maybe i can finally get out of this horrible home.

my house.

i ate alot today. kinda upset. i guess i'm getting better. somedays. oh well. i told one of my friends something big, last night i think. i'm kinda glad i did. i just had to. i hate keeping secrets. well my secrets... i just couldnt stand it anymore. can't stand it. i can not stand it at my house anymore. i absolutly hate it here. i think everyone in my family does. we all hate each other. my house is not a fun place to live. my family doesnt even notice anything i do. i double piercced my ear and it took over a week for anyone to notice. i guess its good when i'm trying to get thinner. i just wear some large and baggy stuff and nothing. which is good. except when those are all of my clothes. then i look fat at school.

:/

don't worry alexis. i ate.

the walk.

i took a fun walk home from my school today. it only took me like an hour. but i'm glad i did it. i ate a mufin today. well most of one. it was from my school. but it tasted pretty gross. i only ate it because i was talking to my frends and i said i don't know if i want to go get something... and my friend said what? instead of starving yourself? then  i was kinda pissed off at her so i ate a muffin. well i took as long as possible to eat it. like twenty minutes. and i didnt even finish. thank god. i wanted to try not to eat at al today. but if all i ate was a muffin thats okay. i really really want a sandwich. i might eat one :/ but i reallllly dont want to. but during my walk i got to thinking. i think i would like to try and be a model. can you imagine being a victoria's secret angel? how amazing that would be! i have to loe my fat though.

the good. the bad. the barfy.

today was good and bad. our dance team was volunteering at a hospice, so we all went home with one girl. her had cookies and popcorn set out, and i didnt want to raise suspision so i ate the two smallest cookies i could find. when i got home i had a regular sized cookie, then two more. so the only thing i had to eat today(yesterday) was 5 cookies. and because i dont eat breakast or lunch i'm not going to eat until after 6 today, if i eat at all. but the downside of yesterday was that i tried to make myself throw up ater eating those cookies. first i was just trying with my finger, but that wasnt working. so then i was trying with this thing thats like a toothbrush but thinner. and it didn't work. at all. which was kind of upetting. i don't understand how i can't make myself throw up. i just don't. oh well, bad things happen and life still goes on, right?