goodbye world (hopefully)

i am giving up. i am going to kill myself. i really just cant stand living. i cannot take it anymore! i'm going to attempt within a week, so this is incase it works. if anyone actually reads this, then i am going to write my suicide note.

Dear Family,
This was your fault. Dad- all of the abuse and the name calling stuck with me. i have always been afraid of you.i cannot stand livin in fear anymore. Mom- you cared too much about me, but not enough to actually pay attention. i was self harming, but you never noticed. Maggie- i hate you. you bother me. i hated being near you, put on some clothes. Kate- you are a piece of shit. you had a large part in this. i do not know the last time you said anything remotely nice to me. you are a huge self centered bitch. you think you were the only one who had problems in this family? you were fucking wrong. so fucking wrong. and i knew you were anorexic. now everyone else does.

Dear Friends,
In know way was this any of your's fault. i love you all. i was just having alot of problems with my family and myself. also if you ever thought it, or guessed. i was anorexic. but do not blame yourselves for anything. please do not. just because i killed myself doesnt mean you have too. please just stay alive.

everyone else,
I'm sorry. i could not take the pressure anymore. i just couldnt take it. if you ever think anyone might need help. tell someone or help them. it could save their life. obvisouly no one helped me, and now i'm dead.



sorry if this troubles anyone who might read this. but i just cant take it. maybe someone will see this and help me, but probably not. goodbye world(hopefully)

uhm yeah.

so ive eaten alot lately. its kinda gross. and all the people who sit near me at lunch yell at me because of my small bites haha. uhm this kid in my bio class has been chatting me lately telling me im cute and he would rather be seen with me than with my sister. and my sister is so skinny and pretty. everyone thinks she anorexic but she eats like a pig. she is so tiny though. like a twig. oh but the girl who sits next to me in french(who is a twig) told me im thin. and its awkward for me now because i saw on formspring that when she's older she wants to be a therapist for people with eating disorders which like worries me haha. hope she doesnt find out. uhm ive been getting smaller. my new clothes which are smalls, fit like my old clothes used to. and they were mediums. im so happy. but ive been getting cold alot. i had to keep my sweatshirt on all throught my dance classes this weekend. which usually they wont let people do but for me i guess they didnt care. oh and i want to do this whole thing for leo's dancewear were i could send stuff in to be a model, but i thought i couldnt cuz the leo i wore(which was kinda big) was a large adult, but i looked at one of my other leos that i wore today waas a small! and the brand i want to model for! now i just have to fill out the forms, take some pictures and hope for a callback. i'm so excited! but i'm still fat haha. soooo fat lol. its gross. i still really want to lose like 20 pounds. i barely have a gap inbetween my legs. at least i have one.

pizza, cookies, and twenty pounds.

sorry for my long absense. my keyboard wasnt working right so i couldnt type. Today i ate some random little bits of fries and potato chips for lunch, because i was taking from my friends. Then at dance team practice my coach brought in a pizza because we qualified for jv championship, and i sort of had to eat a piece because half of the girls think im anorexic. luckily that served as an excuse for not eating at home, but i still had a cookie or two. basically all the food ive eaten today has been crappy, greesy, and buttery. :( i was supposed to have to dance at a bball game tomorrow but now i dont have to so there is no real reason for me to eat tomorrow. my parents have been freaking out about eating and like shoving food down my throat. they keep wanting to make me lunches and things and tell me to bring food for dance team but i never take the lunches. usually i lie and say i buy my lunch like everyday, when honestly im like broke. ive decided i want to lose 40 pounds. that would put me in the 80 pound range. not bad. but im seriously doubting whether or not i could ever get that low, even if i never ate. so as far as my friends(the two who know im anorexic) know, i just want to lose 20 pounds, which they say is reasonable. well one of them said that. the other said she wouldnt say anything depending on how i looked. like if i look healthy at that weight she wont say anything, but if i look like walking death or lose more than just 20 lbs she will freak. oh well. because i really want to lose 40.

sorry ive been gone so long

Age: __14___
Current Weight: ___127(ish)___
Highest weight (excluding pregnancy): __140___
Sex: __F___
Height: _5'3"____
Lowest Adult Weight: ___125___
Ideal Weight: ___90___



For each of the statements below, please choose one of the following six responses:

• Always
• Usually
• Often
• Sometimes
• Rarely
• Never

Questions

1. Am terrified about being overweight. always 
2. Avoid eating when I am hungry. usually
3. Find myself preoccupied with food. often
4. Have gone on eating binges where I feel that I may not be able to stop. sometimes
5. Cut my food into small pieces. often
6. Aware of the calorie content of foods that I eat. always
7. Particularly avoid food with a high carbohydrate content (i.e., bread, rice, potatoes, etc.). often
8. Feel that others would prefer if I ate more. usually
9. Vomit after I have eaten. never
10. Feel extremely guilty after eating. always
11. Am preoccupied with a desire to be thinner. always
12. Think about burning up calories when I exercise. always
13. Other people think that I am too thin. never
14. Am preoccupied with the thought of having fat on my body. always
15. Take longer than others to eat my meals. always
16. Avoid foods with sugar in them. usually
17. Eat diet foods. sometimes
18. Feel that food controls my life. usually
19. Display self-control around food. usually
20. Feel that others pressure me to eat. always
21. Give too much time and thought to food. always
22. Feel uncomfortable after eating sweets. always
23. Engage in dieting behavior. sometimes
24. Like my stomach to be empty. always
25. Have the impulse to vomit after meals. usually
26. Enjoy trying new rich foods.never

Behavioral Questions

In the past 6 months have you:
A) Gone on eating binges where you feel that you may not be able to stop (eating much more than most people would eat under the same circumstances)? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? ________yes 2-3 days____________

B) Ever made yourself sick (vomited) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? __________i wish__________

C) Ever used laxatives, diet pills or diuretics (water pills) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? _________i wish___________

D) Ever been treated for an eating disorder? When? _____________no.______________

Sorry, all of my newer post are short little things! My keyboard isnt working so ive been using my phone :/

Tried drinking salt water. Ew. Never trying that again. Well maybe. Im still fat haha

Look past the pill bottle, look past the knife, and find my nail polish.